Thursday, January 31, 2013

Of Vesta’s Psalms

I won’t feed this bitterness. I won’t let it run through me. All I ever wanted is to belong, to be part of something, to be accepted. Even if I already know that “in the search for some grail of mine, it was always here… inside”, I can’t jump to the conclusion of the journey already. Or can I?

Although I can’t quite control my emotions this way, I can try forcing myself to create or maintain certain emotions, just by repeating them to myself. I’ll call Psalms these attempts of trying to summon reason to protect myself against the virulent swarm of poisonous emotions.

These are like thoughts that I need to create an emotional stability, since spells are highly ineffective.  They are basically Vesta’s attempt to overcome my emotions, and they are like axioms but used for more specific situations, mainly for me to fix on reason instead of emotional basis. It’s like personal prayer for my goddess of reason, indeed. So I need to repeat them in order to make the words to calm me down.

The big problem I have is that there are several little things that I do that are harmful to me and I couldn’t create even a sieging through threat to stop doing them, so I keep doing them quite unconsciously, pretty much a vice that happens before I am even aware of them. And that’s how Psalms aren’t really effective against them, for I have to feel them. Damn, sometimes I hate being so dependent on my intuition.

Anyway, I know of some lessons I need to keep reinforcing. I need more humility, in the sense of accepting the situation as it is, and stop expecting so much and being so worried everything will go wrong in my life. I don’t think wanting to have just a few more friends standing close is an outrageous request, but I won’t feed this bitterness. I don’t want to be known and remembered by this, so Psalms are really going to be personal and secret practices.

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