Thursday, January 31, 2013

Of threats and motivated sieging

Obstinacy is an intriguingly unstable characteristic of mine. That is, there are things I simply can’t bother doing, things I don’t pay attention to, but that I surely should. At the same time, there are other things in which I work on as if my life depended on it. It’s strange the ways of sieging and things that trigger it.

As I once said before, mistakes are a very easy way to start a process of siege. Of course, sometimes mistakes make me feel hopeless, but even still, if I find any beacon of hope I am there with the sieging going full-throttle, because the memory lingers in my mind every time I’m around the subject.

It seems to be this the way I can focus on something. I feel it’s only through it I can get what I want, it’s a goddamn threat, and if I don’t do it then I feel guilty. And the weird thing is that I will expect acceptance because of this sieging on, say, developing my artistic skills rather than social ones. It’s pretty stupid, but that’s how it goes.

There’s another detail here that’s important to highlight that is how I can somewhat try to start this sieging for useful behaviors. For instance, correcting my eating habits. I’ve always had sieging for things that could be dangerous to me, but the discipline the sieging can help my health.

But I think…that’s a dangerous way to feel motivated, apparently. It’s good for some labors, but it feels my mind with those slight traumas. In fact, it’s pretty much lack of responsibility, as I can’t really be really active and dedicate myself to anything this hard if I am not under this threat. It doesn’t allow me acceptance of my mistakes.

I have to find a way to do things with a clear mind and soul.

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