Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Checkpoint #21

December was a month that was hard to describe. I had too many ups and downs. You had me wounded and confused and without perspective, but I’ve settled to pay the debts and there you have me recovering life. And there you have me taking another blow. And when I am starting to feel comfortably numb and about to taste the chance of refreshment life finds a way for me to go through hell again.

It’s been three months I’ve been surviving through this (with some gamma situations of course, but overall it’s an omega condition). It actually roots back from June and I could repress it but in mid-October it just became unbearable. It’s been terrible, there’s hardly any day I am not going to at least 5 in omega-sigma. I am just getting tired. I've been in despair and it seems there are so many doors closing. I have had every part of my life extremely bombarded. So all those things that called me back home, things I would take for granted, like my health and my family, it’s all damaged too, in a way I have no idea if there's a fix to bring all those issues back to normality. Life is definitely playing a joke on me. Why is it all at the same time? Give me some time to breath, at least. There’s hardly any place I can go without being reminded of how shitty my life is, specially compared to last year. I am feeling like I have taken a step back in my life. I’ve had several of these… a friend of mine calls them “plan b thoughts”, and it's nice because I don’t like its official word. I am not allowing myself to be optimistic about life, I can tell you that.

I had plans for this blog, but they didn’t work out. Hey, the mere fact I was able to keep posting texts sounds herculean enough to me. Also related, I’ve been thinking, I was expecting a recovery so I could do another grand release, but I feel I am completely unable to do something like I did in may and august. I’ve written fifty texts this month and I just realized it’s half of what I had in August. I no longer think it’s because of the restraint in September, but these other events started around in this very moment are still keeping me chained down.

At first it doesn't seem like there was anything relevant to get the discovery of the month trophy. The Well of Abscission is important as I am no longer ignoring these problems, they're all there now. They're making me bleed, but something about having a word for this problem has eased the despair a little bit now. I think I enjoyed seeing the thalassic thoughts from November adapting so well into the brethren of ideas (even if it's is one of those meta subjects, getting a defined name for the undefined). But maybe the Geometric Modeling is my prize, because it’s really giving me great ideas. Also I am starting to have musical quintessences more defined. So despite all this destruction I’ve been through, the year has ended with first sprouts of musical and visual creation. Original creation. It's even working when I try to draw these ideas, I think it would even need more training. It’s something I always wanted and it is already happening one year before my deadline, so it should really make me encouraged, but I’m mostly finding myself so broken and weak.

The year is done. I had twelve thrills of a new chance, twelve calls for a fight, twelve months made of peaks and falls, and the end of the year brought one very solid struggle. As a whole generation this year can be turned into one nice story between flames and scourgers (they have barely survived, and their world is pretty much devastated). There are 20 axioms, 34 gems,  20 scourgers and 25 worldly lessons. There sure is a lot, and it's interesting to think in december last year I just had the five flames. I had the quintessence but it wasn't nowhere close to what it's now, and crests didn't even have that name yet. I've learned a lot and now this great year of 2012 came to an end by trying all it could to bring me down, so even if there wasn’t the crown that was this trimester plan, I actually survived through one great test, which should mean a lot. Absolutely nothing can make me falter when I am so obstinated, even if my own motivations became this weak. I should be proud of being through it despite my condition. I have even been more careful with the needlework, so it's a nuclear victory, but I don’t feel any merit to it, though. I am victorious, but there's no coronation or celebration. I am standing, but terribly wounded and I am about to fall, all alone. From now I just want something that could make me stop feeling so ugly and small.

And now 2013 is coming. I have no idea what to do. I don’t know what new ideas I can still have. I barely know how I will keep making through it or what to do with my life. I think what I need to do is what I couldn’t do in these last three months. I want it condensed and organized. Everything tagged and accessible. I want my graphs and charts (I want to make a full-time record of greek coordinates). Maybe even change the dynamics of this blog again just to refresh it all. Actually, if I just find peace, hope and motivation (like the one I used to have in the first semester) I’ll be happy enough. 

Maybe the first thing to do is to deal with my health: I need to know if I am to be diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Hyperthyroidism. And I need to organize my eating schedule and start giving my body the healthy conditions it needs. So I will start doing physical exercises and all this sort of things. This is not a new year's resolution. This is something I need to do. It's not even a choice. And I will have to take a break from this blog if it really gets in the way of my health.