Thursday, January 31, 2013

Of Trygve’s Alpha-sieging

Invisible. I feel fucking invisible. I can understand when I ask people for help and none will come, but I can’t understand those who are feeling lonely, those who ask for company, those who ask for suggestions, and mine are ignored. I’m tired of working on arguments, and being a nice person myself when there’s no use for it. I’m tired of people who make me feel like I am trying to befriend an inaccessible starlet – and it’s more than a handful of them: fuck you. But you know what, it doesn’t affect me this much now, because Trygve is back.

No matter how much I can doubt my choice in using this feeling, Trygve always convinces me again of his power whenever there is a comeback. And here it goes one of the ways through which I feel Trygve, the way I don’t really feel deeply affected by weakening events. There’s some bitterness yes, but it doesn’t make me lose hope and motivation to do what I need to do.

This flame is indeed vital for me as in these past months it was as if I had no shield whatsoever to protect me, and so everything would hurt me so deeply. All that can cause me so much pain and discomfort can go straight through me without making me falter, it’s amazing.

It’s all a matter of having such a fortified motivation that I feel so incredibly shielded against all these blows, and so I can feel my stamina stay intact. But I’ll try to be careful not to invest really negative emotions in this. No, I won’t feed this bitterness.

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