Saturday, June 30, 2012

Of Restraint’s Toll

When feeling so impotent, I lost my capacity to have ideas, which is not exactly how I’ve planned for the lack of thoughts in June to be. As trances, the way they should be, were taken from me so unexpectedly that, at the first sight of regained strength, the only thing I could aim for was to make sure I was still able to taste them inspirational trances.

But it would only take a few days of sickness and depression to work in a way that my sensibility was all clouded again. I would think of my ideas and I couldn’t feel them no more. It quickly went as if all I’ve done was just inexistent. I just couldn’t believe they haven’t been real, but what hint could I have of them? Ah, seventy posts couldn’t be written without that. But it’s a struggle now to give birth to one or another little observation about life that isn’t even remotely close to these ideas that were trophied as the discovery of the month.

But there’s one trait of mine I still possess, and it’s the ability to lay siege for an objective. I had to recover that damned sensibility. But as it usually goes when I’m out for a new mission, I am out of guesses as to how to do that, and fortunately some sieging is good for that. Even without knowing the steps, I’ve somehow got back to my beloved status quo.

But there was an unexpected positive feedback in this journey. At least now this trance that was pushing my selves apart painfully is gone. And as I am starting to relearn trances the way they used to be, at least for now I’m very, very comfortable with this strange stability. It’s very good to feel all of myself being one again.

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