Sunday, March 31, 2013

Of Áine’s Trial

Although I have recovered the strength I used to have and I am rebuilding my world, not all of my flames are encouraged and hopeful. Vesta couldn’t help but notice how distanced Áine is. The past storm has carved wounds in her. While all the boys are just as strong as they used to be, she’s been silent and reserved and her faint smile hints desolation. She wants to resign.

I wouldn’t think she’s been strangely damaged. I can feel I am having a hard time to trust others like I used to, and I am feeling some sort of disgust as well. But to be honest, I didn’t take it out on anyone as bitter as these times were, so she’s got some strength still. But then again, she’s one strange power, and she can inadvertently help the scourgers (in a way I can’t figure out how to string).

Could it be I was wrong about Áine the whole time? Sometimes I feel a fury and desire for violence that’s terrible. And there are moments when I really prefer to leave than to help someone. I am no saint, and sometimes I feel like having a figure like her around is making me feel guilty for not following her immaculate sense of love and justice.

That is the problem. I’m standing for those qualities that I might not possess and forcing myself to have them can create a terrible neurosis (the disturbance in the id-ego-superego if I’m correct). After all, it’s such a pressure to keep trying to believe in those qualities when the world’s response seems to show none of them seem to be real.

If I just accept I’m not kind, creative, strong or intelligent I feel the scourgers somehow don’t threat me so much. I’ve been thinking in fact that all flames should be in trial.

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