Sunday, March 31, 2013

Of neurotic exigencies

I haven’t always been this constantly threatened by scorching beings. Being haunted by those dark feelings is a very recent happening in my life. Maybe it’s because it’s natural I feel more pressure as time goes on (and Zhàn Empire is each time a quarter closer) or I’m only paying attention to those feelings nowadays, or then I’m really feeding the black wolf. The fact is, I’ve done something wrong and now I’m really doing something that is damaging me from inside out.

Pain seems to come from having our expectations, dreams and hopes in discord with reality. The more we try to fit in molds and shapes we don’t belong to, the more it hurts us. I am starting to realize this is the toll ambition and perfectionism brings to the soul, and the reason it’s so frequently showing people going paranoid and sick because of it.

My guess on why these scourgers are so hostile to these flames is because maintaining them brings me a great deal of disharmony. Could it be they’re not natural forces, but rather, as I once called them, some sort of “slave skills”, for which I have to pay a price to use?

Anyway, sometimes I wonder that scourgers just want to bring balance again, as my flames would really be the intruders. Sponsoring them is wearing me out, and I really think that this could bring me some heavy neurosis.

But why would I keep them in here? To prove THEY ARE WRONG. To prove I’m worthy. To prove I deserve to be loved. To prove I deserve to belong and to be part of this world and not only a mere observant.

Thing is, if I ever need to keep feeling this world to prove myself I won’t last, I’ll be broken inside and hurt just by being alive. I don’t want life to be painful and stressing, so maybe I just need to learn the flow. I need to be more adaptable and blend with the tide and use the refluxes to my advantage…

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