Saturday, March 31, 2012

Of clandestine and cryptical efforts

Mostly no one knows what I am doing. It’s but secretly that I’m working here. It wouldn’t work otherwise, as there seem to be something about the world that makes people unconsciously try to put you down. Not envy or any evil desire, that’s a mermaid thought. I think they just don’t understand it.

People usually ask me what I do in my spare time, since I always say I have things to do, and they always have look at me with a sneer when they say “what do you have to do?” like I was someone who is never using my time for things useful (just locked in your room, you’re not living your life). I can’t tell people of what I’m actually doing, I usually just say that I’m studying.

No one talks to about all these things. Whenever I tried, they always mock of it as silly philosophizing. It’s truly amazing how I’ve already spoken even to professors in the university about some ideas when trying to find my path to a master’s degree, and they had such a hard time to grasp the concepts. While it could very well be myself unable to express myself properly, it saddens me to realize how far other people are from these subjects that amaze me so much. Even if I could explore my ideas with their approval, still I would have to do things their way. It would be impossible my intellect would be used there the way I want it to, the way I need it to.

So when I find no one getting close to me, I feel a lack of interest and support, which only makes this even more personal. It builds up to a desire to protect it from others; a desire the lock my ideas by codifying them with names that must be deciphered. And this ends up being even more unreachable for others.

In a way I like making the reading awkward, the navigation through the pages an purposely use of the logistic of entries putting the first ones inopportunely backwards. I like seeing this as a protection of my child. Although it’s all here online at your disposal, it feels like a way to prevent you from touching me. Although I want to write I clearly as I can, and making it available online helps me cross rims of perception as I find myself forced to see what others would think, the pressure that writing online brings to my efforts is incredibly beneficial at the same time it’s demanding.

A part of me wants no one to know. If I see the blog getting more traffic, I start wishing for it to become unintelligible, and I want to ward off readers. It could be my way to go with the uninterest, thinking no one gets closer because I am the one who’s keeping them away, when it’s more likely because there’s just nothing to call one’s attention.

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