Friday, November 30, 2012

Of Lead (anxiety, pressure and guilt)

For more than one year, I’ve been aware of this feeling of Lead, though only a few months in the past I came with a name for it. There are moments when it comes to me frustratingly often, or months in practical absence. So now it has returned and has been with me everyday, and it is still a mystery to me.

The feeling I call lead is a strange response I feel inside my chest, a weight down my heart. I am pretty sure it is a feeling everybody must have known, even if I can’t recall this feeling ever being given attention, because I’ve been noticing it goes beyond being my own word for the feeling of dismay and lack of motivation.

Apparently, there is one very clear motive for it to happen, which is in moments of instability in my life. Whenever I have a great challenge ahead and I feel much insecure towards it, it will sure to be present. It’s basically a feeling of anxiety when I question all my competence. The lead happens when I look at everything and I feel discouraged to face the situation and I see no motive to do it. It can grow to become worse feelings, so usually the simple lead is a nice moment to get up and get things done before the situation becomes darker.

The lead comes while my life has nothing stable. The moment in-between jobs is that when I look around looking for activities I would do, activities I’d be competent at doing, and seeing so many things I can’t do, the lead comes over me. But when there’s one clear goal ahead, getting it done or receiving any other news of success, the lead will vanish. And while I get myself with another solid routine again, I feel like I am fooling myself, alienating myself from reality once again. It’s the perfect gate for scourgers…

One of the main characteristics of this feeling of lead is when I am just going around and something calls my attention, and it will apparently randomly trigger the lead in me. It’s when I feel guilt and impotence towards the world. There are rules of the society that are damaging to the environment and others, but that I can’t do much to avoid doing myself, no matter how aware and active I’m trying to be, and it triggers the lead. It’s the impotence of seeing the world going wrong and it grabs my hands and forces them to help this disfigurement.

It’s strange, I can also feel it when things go right. I also feel guilt as I look at the world and I’m fortunate to have the modern life making things so much easier for me. But there has to be a cost to it, and it triggers the lead. Feels like cheating in life. If those things didn’t exist, I wouldn’t know how to handle my necessities. Even if I prepare my own food, there is plenty of it to be bought around every street. What would happen if suddenly I didn’t have the supplies?

This feeling of dependence towards everything makes me guilt as I keep using all those things all other humans have dedicated their efforts extraordinarily for it to be here – all the electronic devices, the comfortable furniture, the tv shows, the books and services available for commodity. We have our computers and the internet, and we just use it as freely granted… and yet I think of all the stupidly brilliant minds that created them and we barely know who they are.