Thursday, November 1, 2012

Checkpoint #19

October was a disaster, in terms of dream-chasing. At least the one that’s deeply associated with the work I do here in this blog. It was the most dreadful experience in the whole time I’ve been working here. It might have been the sum of circumstances, but this is the closest I came to giving up. I think that release in August brought me to this, and the restraint in September had a delay, making October feel like an actual blackout. So far I've been noticing a pattern similar to May-June-July, so I hope there will be a recovery like August too.

As I’ve come to unexpectedly revive some old self of mine, I felt completely insecure as if I had been dreaming all along. This change I’m coming through is making me feel regret for all I’ve done. In October I had suffered a terrible defeat in the war against the Scourgers. I had to know they would come back so strong! All these characters, named ideas, these silly mistakes and… just the whole thing feels so foolish for me. It’s the Hephaestus’ Fever, frightened by this enterprise and this close to succumbing to the pressure. This is the closest the Scourgers have come to accomplish their mission.

There were not great ideas, as trances were so scarce. I think the Greek Coordinates is the work of the month, though I’ve started with it around September, and well, most interesting ideas came from previous month too. So, as greek charting goes, I’ve spent the whole of the month with high Omega levels. I could just switch between Gamma and Sigma, but I was always feeling weak. I had easily over fifty texts to write, but the constant seediness made me procrastinate to an unimaginable extent. Thinking about writing meant overwhelming lead blockades and I felt strangely relieved when I decided to write just about the twenty most relevant ideas. All I wanted was to understand what was going on, and as overloaded as I felt my mind to be, I couldn’t unload them off my mind, so I’m feeling my head heavy and all my thoughts entangled.

Still, my life out there has had interesting happenings, despite being consumed with the fear that this work of mine was coming to an end. I don’t usually talk of people surrounding me, but I’d like to thank some of these amazing friends I have, and they’ve done great feats of support exactly when I needed them. Obrigado Samyra, Carolina, Michael e Ronaldo. Each one has helped me in very different ways, and each one is as important as the other one, despite some of these friendships being so recent, while others are one of the oldest I have. I’ve needed your help or I called you to pay a visit, to have a lunch or to go out in an adventure, and you were all so prompt. You rock!

Now, my plans were to try the restraint on November. But I am learning through terrible means the perils that is to border these areas. I have to accept it, the tolls can bring my doom. I’m afraid to try it once more and come over the point of no-return. But this project is my dear child and I won't let it die. This place is so intrinsically connect to my dreams that the end of this is the desistance of each and all of my goals. So my dreams must not be shattered again and I will do what it takes to rebuild all that felt so destroyed. 

But the worst aspect of the whole situation is that I am still feeling tired and looking forward a time to rest! The problem is, my life is about to take a giant shift, and I wonder if I’ll have time to work on this and follow the trimester plan. But that’s the chance to feel good with some nuclear victory to pay off for this nuclear defeat in October, though I am out to find how to have that strength back, how to get back to the explosive recovery that comes after the disillusion of release.

Edit: FINALLY. I've uploaded to deviantart all the 67 pages of the sketchbook I've been working since April.