Friday, November 30, 2012

Of disordered Wehmut

Today I’m too busy longing for yesterdays. However, it’s only tomorrow I’ll feel them. Only tomorrow I will care for today, and this inevitable delta travel will follow like this indefinitely unless I change something about these stretching expectations that never allow me to live in the present.

I know today has brought me enough mindscapes, and soon they’ll become crests. But that’s the only way I can feel my life: through crests of gone experiences that were all mine to taste. Only tomorrow (and often it’s literally tomorrow) I’ll notice the experience that happened today was very interesting. Only when it’s no more.

My Wehmut  Process is disarranged to the point that it is constantly trying to revive something from the past or longing for a future that doesn’t exist, even when I know I am having a good time now. Still, I can’t fully give myself to it, and its true impact seems to be only available to be felt afterwards, through these memories.

No matter how impacting the mindscape is now, the tomorrow Wehmut will also make it look like it was maybe better than it actually was, only to make me more guilt of not having enjoyed it better. And it’s a strange realization that makes me confused and annoyed. I don’t know how to resolve it, and as it’s going it’s bringing me enormous distress with the outside complex brought upon myself.