There is one theme that is getting a defined
shape, and I should explore it better in the future when it comes more solid,
which is the strange increase of strength after every idea is defined and
named. And the pursuit for identification of Scourgers is related to that, and
I am afraid this is what could giving them this much power.
It’s not hard to think that paying attention to
them is some sort of subtle self-sabotage, as their presence is just harmful to
me and I am here giving them roof and food. Maybe what I should do is to just
ignore them, as my attention feeds them, and this ether tendency of mine
doesn’t help me at all. At the same time, they can always find a way to
resurface again exactly when I try to ignore their presence. Each time I try to
silence them it just makes them return stronger.
And lately, now they’ve been damaging me so
constantly, I wonder what kind of move I have to make to bring them down for me
to breathe again. As these scourgers swiftly take the reigns of my thoughts,
it’s hard sometimes to realize I am just not making any action to hold them
off. My recovery is usually when the flames got their recharging restraint and
so it’s easier to use them and get myself together again, but lately it’s been
so hard to maintain the burning of the flames, and it might just be this breach
between the stability of generations, and this new one is probably the greatest
change of generation I have ever come through.
But there’s something I’ve been thinking. This
compilation of negative emotions could have some purpose to it too. It could be
useful for other people, as they could get comfort in having their feelings
being understood by someone else. It makes the autotelic dedication harder to
fit me, as I can only hope it could possibly work.
