I’m still too awkward in dealing with the world. It’s as if all my efforts in trying to deal with it backfired and I felt like I was just finding it out for the first time ever. I feel ashamed. Where have I been this whole time? Why is it that I feel so inexperienced about everything?
Being an amateur is like a stigma I fear of carrying for my whole life. I look at those people doing everything with such an elegance that I feel… blushing. It’s a level of professional and social dexterity that makes me feel both jealous and sad. They deal with reality in a way that I long to do myself. Sometimes I feel inspired, but it’s been rare (and I know it should be the right feeling to feel, but it doesn’t work this easy while Omega levels are this high). They work around making an excelsior use of the surrounding vertices that it feels like a dance.
And I am so clumsy. Even my working ideas show accidents that put me in moments of embarrassment. I look at something I can feel proud of, and it crumbles down. I look at the thalassic particles coming and… every single one hits me.
It’s a matter of time, I guess. I have to be patient and eventually everything will be as I wanted them (I hope). I just need to keep focusing on the flames and the axioms. Maybe someday someone will look at this and they will see it shining. The needlework done brilliantly, the engrish mistakes inexistent. Would they try doing it themselves? Would their restart the cycle or will I be the one getting into a crisis every time and again and feeling like a rookie all over again?