There are times when I feel there is some kind of reservoir of energy and creativity and a sense of expendable resources I use to keep this blog running. And usually I am more aware of this notion by noticing this energy bar has been going down and lower. And lately I’ve been feeling it so frequently that is one important element in the compound that are my worries.
I am afraid of using so much of my mental power that one day my brain will just short-circuit. It’ll then remain useless without hope of recharging. It’ll be just something fried and a faint smoke will be rising from it. I feel that because of this sensation of pushing the engine so far without actually moving.
It reminds me those people who do such achievements in art or science and then they overdose in it and then they lose their mojo. Their talent and their thoughts become fruitless. It’s something I find so terribly dangerous and so likely to happen, that it’s even one of the reasons I try to keep going with this slow brickwork, so I won’t ever cross this line. After all, my style of work didn’t make me achieve a lot while it’s burning all this resource out.
One curious thing is that this feeling I have is also related to the idea of putting so much effort in seeing and experiencing life that one day it would no longer enchant me. Or maybe even feel like I have had everything it could offer me. It’s as if I could just completely extinguish the interest I could have about it. It’s dreadful, dreadful.