Monday, December 31, 2012

Of being here (wanting of there)

My life currently is something I am mostly bearing with, and it’s the reason why I was brought down with so much violence when finding out this life is what I am getting. I don’t want to live like this, I don’t want to feel this miserable all this time. But I’ve been noticing that I am wasting a whole amount of time, all due to one strange obsession to expect something else, usually something in the future.

First thing, I am hardly satisfied with my life. It’s rarely a matter of the situation itself, but rather my own equivocated usage of it. I am mostly expecting the situation that is never here. It starts sounding fishy when I bring it here and I feel like wanting something else.

Thing is, I need to have my attention focused in the moment at hand for me to appreciate it. I have to be enjoying what I have as the greatest opportunity I will ever have, instead of expectations and nostalgia. And though it sounds simple, it can’t be done just by rationally realizing this.

For some reason, it’s really hard for me, and maybe it’s been cemented during all this life I’ve lived like this. At the same time, it’s when I enjoy the present that I feel bad afterwards, because I felt like regret of a wasted time. It gets fishier – not to mention it fucks up my string studies, as Csillag seems to be on my side, just a little too violent. But this is how the logic of Scourgers go: it might seem like they could help me, but I just feel hurt by everything that I do.

I am losing great opportunities, I am wasting great moments. I will simply regret my life if I don’t change it at once to fully start appreciation the here and now. Sometimes it’s a matter of getting down to earth and stop dreaming and expecting things. I am here and being here alone should be enough for me.