Monday, December 31, 2012

Of backfired defeat

And here I am again with the bitter taste of defeat. But this is not a simple defeat, but rather a nuclear one. I thought I was taking care of my mind and making it protected. But after all this time, in this time of need, the feeling I have is “what have I been doing all this time instead of protecting my mind?” and wait.

Although it looks like I’ve done a lot this year, it was all easily destroyed. All because my defense was extremely ill-planned, as one droplet could simply bring a chained downfall. It didn’t serve to last, and I wonder if it wouldn’t resist if I just had it done with more diligence, competence and sense of priority.

One of the reasons I’ve met such a crisis is because all of my effort throughout the whole year didn’t change a thing, and that creates in me an aversion to this fool’s play. I thought I could say I know myself and so I can protect myself easily, but the answer was a deafening alarm. But I wonder, was this naming spree not enough, or is it the very reason it didn’t work in the first place? Maybe I had given it more importance it deserved, and so behind this naming scheme the explosion was being built.

The more I try to take care and organize my mind, it builds up more chaos than if it was left alone, like most people deal with it. And I think others probably won’t suffer this much from uncontrollable forces like I do. It really seems they have them under control more easily than I do. Seems I’m really incompetent in searching and organizing my mind and soul, or maybe I am just giving too much food to the black wolf.