Monday, December 31, 2012

Of sacred motivation

I want to find something that is worth of dedicating my whole life into it. Most of the time I know this is what I want to do. I want to think and write, picture it all and play songs out of them. This is what I am actually good at, so it makes sense I should make investment in it.

But then I think, will my whole life be making little drawings, making songs, writing stories While others go and push the world further in technological and social advancements? I’ll be alone, playing with lines and notes, living in fiction. Out of all there is in the world out there, and with all the help it needs I’ll spend my life doing this which will do nothing for the world?

It makes me sick sometimes, I have headaches and I lose appetite. It becomes meaningless to embark in this. I feel terrible and discouraged to do enter in the business world and it makes my soul shrink, but I feel a coward in trying to live a simple life without all the stress. I am deadly tired of it at the young age of twenty-four.

That’s one of the reasons October and November were so terrible. I wish I could do something important for the world, but I am just realizing this is hardly something I will be able to do. I just can’t take the pressure, and it even makes me unable to keep marching. So I should get just focused in doing this for myself, then. But playing with it this alone makes it even more obsolete of a quest…

So in the turn of the events, that’s what makes it so much harder to engage in the pursuit. It’s not merely a matter of facing difficulties, but seeing a point in doing so. I wish I could firmly believe in what I am doing, seeing it being the holiest activity I could ever do, but honestly, it’s not working…

It's hard to invest my time in here when I feel the eyes sayign "go do something useful like being a doctor or an engineer". My own family seems to think I am wasting my time. Somehow it's hard to convince people that what I am doing here has any importance. It seems like just some hobby and not an intense investment. For them an intense investment means being enrolled in college or paying a lot to learn, instead of thinking and studying and writing and practicing and living it 24/7.