My latest depression has brought me so many things I’ve noticed were wrong with me I could barely bear listening to so many self-accusations I’ve brought upon myself. It’s something really terrible but at the same time I don’t think I should just forget about them.
Writing a whole text for each of them would make it consume too much time and I don’t think I can deal with them all in one month alone, so here it’s basically just gathering them, and they are all chests containing my flaws and problems. It’s some sort of Pandora’s Box, and they’re dangerous in the hands of the scourgers, I have to have them kept safe by my flames. But they can’t just be isolated or hidden, no. An early analogy would be of bombs needing to be deactivated, but I sort of think it curiously doesn’t fit in a medieval setting.
One of my main worries, and the most dangerous accusation is how much I’m delaying a career. It’s not like I want to do something that’s separated from what I do in here, but I need to actually be able to make a living of this. And that’s something that worries me so, so much. This should be more of a market-oriented enterprise. I am one year from turning twenty-five, and as much as I’ve been working a lot in here, I am not actually making any difference, and I am having absolutely no profit from these skills I want to develop. My first thoughts to resolve it would be trying to use this pattern-seeking thirst of mine for administrative purposes. If it could be well-done, I could actually be good in solving problems. Or then, I think it would be really cool to apply those ideas to historical studies. The problem is that I am finding a terrible trauma of dealing with the business world, something I was already starting to feel confident I could overcome.
The second most urgent notification is a feeling that I am lacking responsibility and professionalism to all I do. It’s one of the aspects that made the October wars so hard for me to perform a defense How could I tell I am not just running away from any obligation? Nothing I had been doing could be considered responsibility. I am mostly just staying on this blog month after month because I have such a clinging disposition towards what this place means to me. It follows the simple plan of laying out as much thoughts and I can trying to see how much I can do until I turn twenty-five, and that’s been a pretty unhealthy methodology as I’m learning the hard way. Also, I’m running without demands. Though I’m forcing my creativity and potential to generate ideas, I don’t think I can handle well the pressure or market demands. I just wonder if suddenly this place would boom and I became, I don’t know, famous. I don’t know how to deal with that, and I don’t even think I want that. In fact, I don’t think I have any true necessity of it. I’d simply enjoy belonging to any small group where I could make some contribution and together we could do something, but honestly I’d like the simple thought of finding a group of people to discuss about those things simply so I wouldn’t feel alone. I don’t want to get rich or successful, I just want to belong.
Third accusation is the lack of bronze engagement. Or, in normal terms, being uninformed of the details of the political, economical and social aspects of the world we are living in. The world is running out there, and I am dedicating most of my time in here. Political scandals, social manifestations, economical issues, and I am not engaged with any of those matters. I am not following the news as much as any sentient citizen should. I really blame myself for it. But honestly, all this time I felt I could never find something that feels entirely trustworthy, or being actually informative. Shouting some random events that have happened in this day doesn’t seem to be much like getting actually informed like I thought it should be. I wanted something that would stream a line of connection, and that could show the progress of the events. (Maybe there’s something the world needs, could I do it? Oh god, the seed is there, now don’t get too hasty to create a sieging now, please, brain).
The fourth notification is about my emotional instability. It makes it very hard for me to keep going, or even to be taken seriously or to be trusted, for that matter. I think all this sensitivity is bringing this enormous toll to it. All this sensitivity I try to maintain in order to open anthems for trances is coming with a huge, huge price. It makes me exposed and vulnerable to all these black feelings preying on me. And it also makes me so much more fragile to get myself together and fight back. The tricky thing is the plan is too obvious: I have to be strong and not listen to them, or let them take over me. But there are only too many resources they possess that make their invasion so easy for them to maintain. The causal aversion/adherence to make me turn against my own flames is one of their lowest moves. Another problem is how I am constantly worried about things, which might show responsibility through the concern, but it doesn’t pay the price of the damage it brings, as it’s a doorway to scorchers. I can get stressed and impatient so easily and though in most circumstances it can be held under control, deep inside it still is corroding me. I’ve been learning how to take some deep breaths and let things go as they are, but it mostly works with more simple things, unlike the issue of dealing with my future. Also I am so worried about being here, wanting to be there and unable to enjoy the present, and there’s so much anxiety and I feel it damaging my physical health.
The sixth accusation is about how all I am doing is no more than silly reveries that have no relevance. I am afraid of my thoughts sounding too much like self-help and nonsense about mentalism. Considering I am so often expressing effects of my mind, and doing it in such an enthusiastic way and apparently making it all up from my ass, I wouldn’t be surprised if my introspective incursions were being seen as half-witted attempts to try sound like an expert in the area. Indeed, I need to be more scientifically-oriented in my discipline. All in all, I know I put a lot of doubts in it all, be it all mindtraps and cracks I try to be aware against, but a more severe dedication to build and systematize it all would be greatly welcome. I wouldn’t find it surprising if what I am doing here ends up being considered some esoteric work, considering I’m talking about mental abilities and some spiritual thoughts. I know my mind can do some strange things, but that’s entirely explainable by psychology, I don’t want telephatic and clairvoyant powers more than I just want to test the artistic possibilities of trying to work with how my mind revolves with images, sounds and other influences. I’m doing pseudoscience here, if that means going without any academic methodology. But down to the core, I know I’m trying to follow science’s main rules down to its core.
Seventh problem is about communication problems. It’s about how I can’t connect to others. I can’t concentrate easily in reading, and I think I have a lot of interpretative issues. When people orient me I get lost easily and don’t know if I see so many possibilities of interpretation of if I am just stupid, but I’m sure others do consider the last. Also, I don’t know if I am showing myself properly, I don’t know if I am being coherent, if there’s any eloquence in my speech or it just sounds like some silly self-help and some mentalism jibber-jabber. I am no longer able to tell if I am just imagining things or seeing any hint of the true reality anymore. I don’t know how far all that I am doing here is actually making any sense to anyone reading my thoughts. Is it difficult to follow? Or is it too silly and predictable and already common ground? What is the impression my thoughts and ideas are having on the readers?
Eight is about trying to do too many things, but never doing one in a professional level. The problem here is about having no focus, and just wandering through all I find, and leaving everything unfinished. It’s about not being able to establish one main commitment. In fact, it’s about not being able to keep the decided terms on my hierarchy of skills. I know I should focus on my drawings, but I’m letting Hephaestus go around while Vesta feels frustrated about him. See, I keep thinking about little characters and I get my mind distracted so easily.
Ninth problem I have to deal it is about the denial of the pressure. It’s a saboteer mindtrap disguised as beneficial emotion. It tells me that it is okay to avoid going out for my dreams. In a practical way, I’m afraid it’s this saboteer behind the Tactical Exile, Brickwork and
Refusal. It’s a really dangerous thought. It makes me avoid responsibility and
professionalism, it prevents me from bronze engagements and event go for
market-oriented efforts. As time passes by, the realization that I’ve wasted
time not developing myself (thinking I was), it comes with one of these
horrific crisis again. Campbell
And, gosh, I think that should be enough for now. I think there will be more of them, and I’ll need to bring them to this place, so I need a name so I will know what place is it. I’ll call it the Well of Abscission. As well for the room for String Scrolls, here I just listed them, they have just been brought to the place, but I’ll try to get them in better compartments and things like that very soon.