Monday, December 31, 2012

Of unanswered calls (growing hunger)

Recently I’ve reached the perception that something from inside of me wants to scream, but I can’t tell what voice it is. I don’t know what urge, what energy, what crest is it for me to give an answer. And as I can’t identify it, all my attempts to catharse it out of my chest are ineffective.

Sometimes I feel deep feelings inside, something mysterious but powerful. It’s a sudden feeling, a response to the world almost like the weighing lead, but this one is an unforeseen feeling of sadness. It can begin like a very soft signal of distress, like that smell that makes us concentrate force in the nostrils to feel it.

It’s mostly something little and unimportant, but there are times when it really feels deep and unknown, a strange urge to cry. Maybe it’s happens by growing or maybe I am just getting closer to the core. Sometimes a good scream or some tears bring catharsis, but it doesn’t always work, because it doesn’t match the feeling inside. I don’t really know what it means, but it has been frequent lately, and the tricky thing is that it remains deep, thalassic, and I can’t get rid of it.

I try external and internal crests, and nothing works. I open the box and I try Opals, I try Trygve, I try Etherways, I try Sour Fuel, I try Scarpride. Nothing works. No axiom cast by a Flame works effectively. And then the real world calls me and I get out of my spiritual world. Or I can do it on purpose, going for a good laughter and worldly distractions. But it doesn’t kill the Hunger.

I am feeling it only briefly stunned. Soon it’s strong again, and it starts taking the shape of actual, literal hunger. And as I grow desperate to find the cure, I feel my body starting to shrink and meager.