Thursday, May 31, 2012

Of Csillag’s tyranny

My mind is unruly as hell. No matter what I do, it’s never satisfied. And not only that, I feel being punished even if I’m working to exhaustion, even if I’m doing my fucking best. While I’m trying to see how far I can go with my current skills, I’m only punished with depression and meeting dead-ends once again.

Just like I was one whole year ago, I’ve been nailed to my bed again, despite all the accomplishments that should make me so much safer nowadays. I wouldn’t ever expect that aftergoal issues would come to bring me to this state.

I honestly don’t know how to appease my mind. At first I would think that, as resting would make me feel guilty, being always busy would do the trick. If living in misery wouldn’t allow my best as lacking confidence wouldn’t allow being, then I’d have to find a way to let my soul gather strength for doing my efforts without anguish. But the right thing to do seems always such a desperate struggle. Even the extreme dedication (mixed with some balancing for wisewalking purposes) brings a price unbearably high.

Peace of mind is gradually something I can never, never come to possess. There might be some desires from my mind I am not pleasing, but I can’t actually satisfy some of them. Some are just childish dreams, while others should be alleviated with patience. Even for things I could get right now, I must know how to resist with these breakdowns. In the end, it’s getting clearer to me I’m just being controlled by something behaving like a spoiled kid.

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