Thursday, May 31, 2012

Of release and restraint

I have the unsettling sensation that if I’m to push myself to my own limits for too long, it’ll all crumble down. It’s as if I were putting so much effort in something that it would make me feel drained, for good.

It’s especially frightening to me when I try pushing myself when I’m way out of energy. In moments of complete weakness, trying to create energy out of nowhere for the sake of discipline brings a brute impact to me. It’s as if the cushioning resilience was absent and even the slightest tension would tear that currently fragile soul apart.

However, I couldn’t possibly hold back my efforts. There can’t be development by restraining myself. As I feel incredibly insecure to involve myself with a project that only seems to work with the right conditions, I’ll have to test it. I’ll have to try it out and see how brittle it can be. I’ll try to push it forwards even when I find no reason to go on. And then also make no efforts to go on, so I can see if this thing can resist the adversities.

I’m going to test some of my fears. I need to test those things that I’m afraid that can ruin my progress, and take the risks of making it all crumble down.

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