Thursday, May 31, 2012

Of Outsider Complex

Lately I’ve been tasting mostly Neighbor Mindscapes, which is more haunting than it appears to be. Although mindscapes always have this broadening quality to them, this is a very poignant form of feeling the dimension of life. Basically it’s been speculative feelings on how tasteful other people’s lives certainly are.

It’s something that’s been a constant in my life, feeling this inferior, always so below, though the long time before reexperiencing these dark feelings that I used to have makes me more aware of it, and now hurts much more now too. It hurts so much that I’m unable to find the needed love for my own experience of life. It’s not only the confusion that has inspiration under leash, but also insecurity.

However, trying to be more confident of myself makes me think people out there could have neighbor mindscapes about me. It’s such something unfamiliar to me I find it strange to accept, mainly because it’d be a tremendous lie if I’m to be perceived like a fulfilled person. I wouldn’t like to have people feeling bad about these assumptions. But it’s them or me, and I can’t do nothing if I am the miserable one, while Áine makes me be supportive if I’m standing out. It’s a double-edged decision, so perhaps that’s a needed lie.

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