Sometimes I have the feeling I couldn’t be better. My body shows so much energy, I’m feeling young, and I’ve felt some first spins of a satisfactory intellectual prowess. And somehow that is what makes me fall. Is that all of my potential, the best I can do? If I’m believing in this, I’m sure to find I’ve come to make all I could, and there in the hypothetical highest ground, only a fall could be expected.
And here I mean that One Fall, when I won’t ever be able to recover, when there’s the ultimate desistance. I’m so afraid of it that any hint of it makes me desperate. This thirst for development that’s so firmly installed in my soul always makes me find new things to accomplish, new edges to polish, so I can find in it a sign the fall is very far away. If only I could tell I’ll always feel I haven’t accomplished nearly enough… but maybe even that fountain of strength will drain someday, as nothing lasts forever.
I have the unconscious feeling that one stumble is a sign of development, as opposed to an easy flight towards success, meeting no hindrances. Nothing can be this easy. And it appears to me that every fall can be treasured, as they can propel me even further. So maybe I shouldn’t worry about every fall being that dreaded one, but how can I tell if it isn’t exactly the worry that makes the change? And I shouldn’t hope to depend on it, as even it fear can drain off someday.