I don’t want to talk about things that could make me look better than I am. As I don’t feel comfortable about it, my doings will feel more real this way, and also I don’t want to deal with the cracks. I don’t want to romanticize my figure, making me look more intense and courageous as I face my fears. No, I am so fragile and so insecure I could be anyone you know. I could be any shy person hidden in the corner and who can’t sustain eye contact.
I’ll do my best to show how unworthy I am of Petty Realizations. But I am also honest enough not to abuse the unfairness of the Idolized Realizations. It’s not even a matter of a logical stance. If am getting too much compliments I start getting uncomfortable with it. It makes me uncomfortable to be brought to the position of power.
All those people who allow fortunate coincidences to make them look superior to others look dreadful to me. I don’t want people see me stronger than I am. How could you let others think for so long you live a fulfilled and intense life when you’re an empty fraud? I can’t let myself to be like them, letting others feel miserable about themselves because of things like this.
I don’t want people to feel empty and unworthy like I have already felt myself. I don’t want these beatings extend to others. Following the logic of tailgaters and shockwavers, there are people who take the punch and pass it on. I don’t want that. I’d absorb all the beatings if I could, but I’ll do my best not to let it go to others.
This might be a sacrifice in selling my figure, and it could sabotage my future, as being unable to let myself be admired and keep myself so ordinary you will never cling to respect me. But I don’t want to show myself as something that I am not. I don’t want to change my ways to make me better, I just want a honest development: I want to feel I’ve really changed who I am, I just want to perform actions that are fair to my spirit inside.