Friday, August 31, 2012

Of unavoidable sense of failure

Prodigies are very annoying to me. Actually, it’s more a matter of jealousy. I have always started things much later than everybody, like sex, music and videogames. And I am not only feeling behind average people, there is the constant pressure I have from being surrounded by those little geniuses.

Without being aware of that for most of my life, it has created this certain pressure that in certain moments can weigh me down very hard. It’s the feeling that, even if I get myself developed someday, I’ll have the sense of failure for not being developed already, right now.

I think of it when dealing with me expenses. For some reason I try saving money the most I can. I don’t like burning it for no reason (though sometimes being a little reckless makes me no harm). I am every time finding a new way to spend less money. That doesn’t mean being stingy, as I’m just trying to be more effective, and sometimes I can really spend much less money and still feel like I am buying more stuff. So when I learn of these new increase in efficiency in spending my money, I blame myself for the all the money I could have saved to this day if I knew of these techniques before.

Rationally speaking, I know that’s completely insane. I can’t know everything this early in life, and to be honest I am very a very well educated, disciplined and methodic in my ways compared to my age standard (which is strange, considering I’m always behind others in so many ways). No master could be truly a master of anything this early in life. It’s an overwhelming demand, but I’m so emotionally charged with it that Vesta’s Spell can’t dissipate it in a matter of one text. After all, may god damn those little prodigies.

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