Self-expression of introspective themes makes my fluency in other mundane matters much easier. But it’s still strangely hard to keep writing my texts here. I’d think that after over 400 hundred texts I’d find it much easier to express myself and produce my texts more easily.
The thrill I feel is analogous to other areas, such as the beginning of new attempts, be it a stubborn game level or a match in any sport. I think of this to be related to the one-shot chances, when it’s about winning or losing.
Making the move to start trying can be exciting as there’s no middle ground. It is for certain going to end with one of these two possibilities. I feel it in my drawings, when I challenge myself to make a reproduction of this astronaut or that cathedral, and I always get the fright that this time I won’t be able to make it, and I’ll lose.
Fortunately drawings aren’t one-shot chances, so I can change cracks from the unthoughtful lines before they charge my work into a state of irremediability. In the end they are too poor, but at least it’s been coming to be something not eye-burning ugly, so it’s a win. Still, if I get too confident by consecutive success, the one time I fail is going to be much more hurtful, because the Causal Assumption will have it unexpected.