Friday, August 31, 2012

Of unwelcome new generations

There are times when I don’t want development. In this moment all I want is some peace, and even trances hurt me. I don’t want to keep questioning myself all the time every time a new challenge comes forth. I don’t want to keep pushing myself to new boundaries. I get tired of being confused and being put into test every month.

In these moments any event that has impact in me is unwelcome. I’ve got no strength to sustain it. I don’t want to keep challenging myself all the time. I want to keep doing it brick after brick, and I don’t want to perceive the consequences of what I am doing. I just want a peaceful place to have ideas. This pressure coming from somewhere telling me to rush and change the world is damaging me too much.

I am so tired that I don’t even want pleasant discoveries. I don’t want these monthly discoveries that keep taking me forward. I don’t want to go where they are taking me. It’s a world when my words will weigh with more responsibilities, and my mistakes will burn me even more.

It’s not just the fear of failure. I don’t even want the success. I am afraid of this place becoming glorious as it can become abandoned ruins. It’s possible, though, that the fear of failure is so great that anything close to the attempt, even the successful one, is met with aversion. 

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