Friday, August 31, 2012

Of Sfayi, the Death Queen

Sfayi is a middle-eastern looking woman, and she has very sensuous eyes. She comes from the Dark Amethysts, from terrible romantic disasters. This is the shape I can give her based, of course, on the latest disaster, though her shape could change in the future.

She lives in her sumptuous sea palace. She’s married, obviously, with Qareen. Now, she makes me more under the pressure to find a shape for Ushag. After all, he’s is the scorching feeling that strikes me to find beautiful and happy couples around while I keep myself feeling alone and empty. Ushag is me when Qareen leads the smiling Sfayi to their nuptial room.

I don’t know how to make her relation with the Fire Ensemble or other characters other than Qareen as her role as a Scourger. I don’t know if I can really make her evil. It’s not like women creating this archetype are evil (the same way those men related to Qareen are not too). It’s just the mere presence that disturbs me, or something about the indifference and how I don’t belong to their world (this couple represents my Outsider Complex). It’s complicated to make that work in a story, so there’s a lot to think about it, because I don’t know how Ushag as a character can be around her, as it’s a feeling I have when I have those pieces of gracefulness around. Ushag would then feel menaced by her too, but it makes no sense in this story. God, he is showing such annoying cracks.

She’s the scourging temptation. Not the temptation by itself, as I have no vote of chastity and I love the feeling of lust, but in here the temptation of something you can’t reach becomes an annoying distraction. Vesta’s words of wisdom can bring me to safety, but that’s only when Trygve has drained the power of Scourgers.

Sfayi is the temptress, but she isn’t every woman. No, she is made from these little cute and intelligent girls I’ve known. They’re fascinating little creatures made of wonderful ideas and a gracious delicacy. They’re so amusing, they have beautiful smiles and can carry delightfully long conversations. Still this kind of girls I feel so attracted to and that I feel are perfect for me are but always making me feel frustrated.  They never have romantic interest in me, or are engaged and always so in love with their current partners.

Honestly don’t know why I can’t have them, as I can’t be that ugly or retarded, but I rarely have had chances with girls like these. I mostly have chances with those other girls who are beautiful and everything… but lacking that true charm of intellectuality and elegance. It’s a sensuality that usually isn’t even in her bodies, but mostly by seeing this spark of curiosity and their lively eyes while these fragile little things mind their own business, reading their books and listening to their music.

Her monicker as Death Queen is for the feeling that no matter what actions I try, I’m always brought down by failure. No matter how much I try, they’re never impressed, so I’m always taking these punches that make me try to be born as someone anew. It is definitely one of my main motivations around here, if that hasn’t ever been clear enough, but I can’t really make everything I am doing just to impress them. There are moments when I think my art and my science is the only thing deserving of my true dedication.

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